The Pencil Story

A boy was watching his grandmother write a letter. At one point , he asked : “Are you writing a story about what we have done? Is the story about me?”

His grandmother stopped writing her letter and said to her grandson:“I am writing about you, actually, but more important than the words is the pencil I m using. I hope you will be like this pencil when you grow up.”

Intrigued, the boy looked at the pencil, “It didn’t seem very special. But it’s just like any other pencil I’ve ever seen!”

That depends on how you look at things. It has five qualities which , if you manage to hang on to them, will make you a person who is always at peace with the world.

“First Quality : you are capable of great things, but you must never forget that there is a hand guiding your step. We call that hand God, and He always guides us according to his will.”

“Second Quality : now and then, I have to stop writing and use sharpener. That makes the pencil suffer a little, but afterwards, he is much sharper . So you, must learn to bear certain pains and sorrows, because they will make you a better person . “

“Third Quality : the pencil always allow us to use an eraser to rub out any mistakes. This means that correcting something we did not necessarily a bad things, it helps to keep us on road to justice. “

“Fourth Quality: what really matters in a pencil is not its wooden exterior, but the graphite inside. So always pay attention to what is happening inside you.”

“Finally, the pencil’s fifth quality: it always leaves a mark. In just the same way, you should know that every thing you do in life leave a mark, so try to be conscious of that in your every action.”

Take Care of My Eyes

There was a blind girl who hated herself because of being blind. She hated everyone except her boyfriend. One day, the girl said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend. One lucky day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her! Then she saw everything including her boyfriend…. Her boyfriend then asked her,” Now that u can see, will you marry me?” The girl was SHOCKED when she saw that her boyfriend was blind! She said,” I am sorry but i can’t marry you because u are blind.” Her boyfriend walked away with tears… and said, “Please just take care of my eyes”

You are never Helpless

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to
spade his potato
garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who
would have helped him,
was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son
and mentioned his
situation.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t
be able to plant
my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the
garden, because
your mother always loved planting time. I’m just
getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot.

If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I
know you would dig
the plot for me, if you weren’t in prison.

Love, Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram: “For
Heaven’s sake, Dad,
don’t dig up the garden!!! That’s where I buried the
GUNS”

At 4 a.m . the next morning,

A dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up
and dug up the
entire garden without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son
telling him what
happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son’s reply was: “Go ahead and plant your
potatoes, Dad. It’s the
best I could do for you from here.”

Moral Of the Story -

NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN THE WORLD, IF YOU HAVE
DECIDED TO DO
SOMETHING DEEP FROM YOUR HEART, YOU CAN DO IT. IT IS
THE THOUGHT THAT MATTERS
NOT WHERE YOU ARE.

The 99 Club

Once upon a time, there lived a King who, despite his luxurious lifestyle,
was neither happy nor content.

One day, the King came upon a servant who was singing happily while he
worked. This fascinated the King; why was he, the Supreme Ruler of the Land,
unhappy and gloomy, while

A lowly servant had so much joy. The King asked the servant, ” Why are you
so happy?”

The man replied, ” Your Majesty, I am nothing but a servant, but my family
and I don’t need too much - just a roof over our heads and warm food to fill
our tummies .”

The king was not satisfied with that reply. Later in the day, he sought the
advice of his most trusted advisor. After hearing the King’s woes and the
servant’s story, the advisor said, ” Your Majesty, I believe that the
servant has not been made part of The 99 Club.”

” The 99 Club? And what exactly is that?” the King inquired.

The advisor replied, ” Your Majesty, to truly know what The 99 Club is,
place 99 Gold coins in a bag and leave it at this servant’s doorstep.”

When the servant saw the bag, he took it into his house. When he opened the
bag, he let out a great shout of joy… So many gold coins!

He began to count them. After several counts, he was at last convinced that
there were 99 coins. He wondered, ” What could’ve happened to that last gold
coin? Surely, no one would leave 99 coins! “

He looked everywhere he could, but that final coin was elusive. Finally,
exhausted, he decided that he was going to have to work harder than ever to
earn that gold coin and complete his collection.

From that day, the servant’s life was changed. He was overworked, horribly
grumpy, and castigated his family for not helping him make that 100th gold
coin. He stopped singing while he worked.

Witnessing this drastic transformation, the King was puzzled. When he sought
his advisor’s help, the advisor said, ” Your Majesty, the servant has now
officially joined The 99 Club. “

He continued, ” The 99 Club is a name given to those people who have enough
to be happy but are never contented, because they’re always yearning and
striving for that extra 1 telling to themselves: “Let me get that one final
thing and then I will be happy for life .”

We can be happy, even with very little in our lives, but the minute we’re
given something bigger and better, we want even more! We lose our sleep, our
happiness, we hurt the people around us; all these as a price for our
growing needs and desires. That’s what joining The 99 Club is all about.”

how can a student pass ?

Typical academic year for a student.

1. Sundays-52,Sundays in a year, which are rest days.
Balance 313 days.

2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and
difficult to study. Balance 263 days.

3. 8 hours daily sleep-means 122 days. Balance 141
days.

4. 1 hour for daily playing-(good for health) means 15
days. Balance 126 days.

5. Two hours daily for food & other delicacies (chew
properly & eat)-means 30days. Balance 96 days.

6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means
15 days . Balance 81 days.

7. Exam days per year at least 35 days. Balance 46
days.

8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival holidays)-40
days. Balance 6 days.

9. For sickness at least 3 days. Balance 3 days.

10. Movies and functions at least 2 days. Balance 1
day.

That 1 day is your birthday

"How can a student pass??"

Gone are the days

When the school reopened in June,

And we settled in our new desks and benches .



When we queued up in book depot,

And got our new books and notes.


When we wanted two Sundays and no Mondays, yet

Managed to line up daily for the morning prayers.


We learnt writing with slates and pencils, and

Progressed To fountain pens and ball pens and then

Micro tips.



We began drawing with crayons and evolved to

Co lour pencils and finally sketch pens.


We started calculating first with tables and then with


Clarke's tables and advanced to calculators and

computers.



When we chased one another in the corridors in

Intervals, and returned to the classrooms

Drenched in sweat.


When we had lunch in classrooms, corridors,

Playgrounds, under the trees and even in cycle sheds.


When all the colors in the world,

Decorated the campus on the Second Saturdays.



When a single P.T. period in the week's Time Table,

Was awaited more eagerly than the monsoons.



When cricket was played with writing pads as bats,

And Neckties and socks rolled into balls.




When few played "kabadi" and "Kho-Kho" in scorching
sun,

While others simply played "book cricket" in the

Confines of classroom.


Of fights but no conspiracies,

Of Competitions but seldom jealousy.


When we used to watch Live Cricket telecast,

In the opposite house in Intervals and Lunch breaks.


When few rushed at 3:45 to

"Conquer" window seats in our School bus.



While few others had "Big Fun", "kadala muttai",

"gulfi ice", "seeval ice !" and "pepsi !" at 4o Clock.




Gone are the days Of Sports Day,

and the annual School Day ,

And the one-month l ong preparations for them.



Gone are the days Of the stressful Quarterly,

Half Yearly and Annual Exams, And the most enjoyed

holidays after them.




Of tenth and twelfth standards, when we

Spent almost the whole year writing revision tests.



We learnt, we enjoyed, we played, we won, we lost,

We laughed, we cried, we fought, we thought.


With so much fun in them, so many friends,

So much experience , all this and more.



Gone are the days when we used to talk for hours with
our friends.
Now we don't have time to say a HI.

Gone are the days when we played games on the road.
Now we code on the road with laptop.

Gone are the days when we saw stars shining at night.
Now we see stars when our code doesn't work.

Gone are the days when we sat to chat with friends on
grounds.

Now we chat in chat rooms.....

Gone are the days where we studied just to score.
Now we study to save our job

Gone are the days where we had no money in our pockets
and fun filled
on our hearts
Now we have the atm as well as credit card but with an
empty heart

Gone are the days where we shouted on the road.
Now we dont shout even at home

Gone are the days where we got lectures from all.
Now we give lectures to all... like the one I'm doing
now....



Gone are the days

But not the memories, which will be

Lingering in our hearts for ever and ever and

Ever and ever and Ever .....



NO MATTER HOW BUSY YOU ARE ,



DONT FORGET TO LIVE THE LIFE THAT STILL EXISTS.



IT WONT BE THERE FOR EVEr.

Try these for leave

1. Employee asking for leave
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."
(Sources say the guy was a techie)

2. Yet another one....
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."
(May it be a national holiday friend)

3. This one was actually approved by the HR department!
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, Please grant me 10 days leave."
(Probably the sanctioning authority empathised!)

4. Wonder if he got leave...
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
(So who's luckier, you or her?)

5. A daughter's wedding is always a stressed out affair.
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave..."
(Err...)

6. Sigh. School days.
"As I am suffering from my uncle's marriage I cannot attend the class...."
(We can bet it was a cricket match)

7. This is just for half a days leave mind you!
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o'-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
(Sources reveal the HR sent their condolences as well)

WARNING: Reader discretion to be exercised in case you really want to use these for your leave applications!

Similarities between Lincoln and Kennedy

Have a history teacher explain this if they can !

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost a child while living in the WhiteHouse.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born 1839

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born 1939

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat !

Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Ford."

Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln" made by "Ford."

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the "kicker":

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

and Lincoln was shot in a theater and the assassin ran to a warehouse.

Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and the assassin ran to a theater.

Be +ve

1. No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.

2. Most people will be about as happy as they decide to be.

3. Others can stop you temporarily. But, only you can do it
permanently.

4. Whatever you are willing to put up with is exactly what you will have.

5. Success stops when you do.

6. When your ship comes in, make sure you are willing to unload it.

7. You will never 'have it all together'.

8. Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the trip!

9. The biggest lie on the planet: "When I get what I want, I will be happy."

10. The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.

11. I've learned that, ultimately, 'takers' lose and 'givers' win.

12. Life's precious moments don't have value, unless they are shared.

13. If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.

14. We often fear the thing we want the most.

15. Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you have to say. Best friends listen to what you don't say!

16. Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.

17. Look for opportunities, not guarantees.

18. Life is what's coming, not what was.

19. Success is getting up, one more time.

20. Now is the most interesting time of all.

21. When things go wrong, don't go with them.

22. Sometimes, the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

23. God can mend all broken hearts. You just have to give Him all the pieces.

24. Anyone who asks a question might be a fool for 5 minutes. But, a person, who doesn't ask, is a fool forever.

25. A best friend is like a four leaf clover; hard to find and lucky to have.

26. A friend is someone who reaches for your hand, but touches your heart.

27. A coincidence is when God performs a miracle and decides to remain anonymous.

28. I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

29. Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace and your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.

30. Our eyes are placed in front because it is more important to look ahead, rather than to look back.

I asked...

I asked for wisdom and God gave me problems to solve.

I asked for strength and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for prosperity and God gave me brawn and brains to work.

I asked for courage and God gave me dangers to overcome.

I asked for love and God gave me troubled people to help.

I asked for favours and God gave me opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted and everything I needed.

God does exist

Why does Allah allow suffering?
A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about many things and various subjects. When they eventually touched on the subject of Allah, the barber said: "I don't believe that Allah exists."

"Why do you say that?" asked the customer. "Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that Allah doesn't exist. Tell me, if Allah exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If Allah existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving Allah who would allow all of these things." The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist." "How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"

"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside." "Ah, but barbers do exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me." "Exactly!" affirmed the customer. "That's the point! Allah, too, does exist! That's what happens when people do not go to him and don't look to him for help. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

From The Mouths Of Babes.....

What does Love mean?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:



"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8



"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4



"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5



"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6



"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4



"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7



"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8



"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)



"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6


(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)



"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7



"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6



"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8



"My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6



"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5



"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7



"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day"
Mary Ann - age 4



"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4



"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
Karen - age 7



"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6



"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8



And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,


"Nothing, I just helped him cry"

Romantic Poems

A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a poem with the most
romantic first line, but the least romantic second line.

Here are the top 12 entries they received:

1. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

2. I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

3. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty, and so is your head.

4. Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

5. Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot
This describes everything you are not

6. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

8. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life

9. I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

10. My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

11. My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

12. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

More Bumpers

Constipated people don't give a crap.

Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings."

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Horn broken...watch for finger.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.





So many cats.... So little time.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.

Don't Follow me I am LOST!!!

Women are born leaders, LOOK you are following one now!

Did you just fart or did you always smell that way?

It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?

Life's a bitch, and then you die.

Graduate quickly, millions on welfare depend on you.

Bill Clinton 99% Fact Free

Yesterday I knew nothing, today I know that.

The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a traffic
jam.

Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Illiterate? Write for free help.

Take me drunk, I'm home.

Life is like a straw, it sucks.

Don't delay, paint today

I drive like this to piss you off!

"It is Mind over Matter... If you ain't go no mind... It don't Matter"

Front bumper -Run, Hilary, Run!

I may be slow but I'm in front of you.

Suicide is away of telling God, You can't fire me I quit!!!!!

You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.

I'm wondering if you have any horns with goofy songs?

DANGER: I drive like you do!

Kids in the backseat cause accidents.... accidents in the backseat cause
kids.

Please don't hit me I'm a pedestrian trapped in a car.

S.A.S.R. - Speeders Against Ski Racks

If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?

Jesus loves you, but everyone else still thinks your an ass hole.

I don't drive fast I fly low

If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!

Your child may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

If you can read this you're in range.

The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of
your actions.

It's not the size of the boat that matters, it's the motion in the ocean.

Save the planet recycle an environmentalist.

Just because your not paranoid doesn't mean their not out to get you.

Study long study wrong.

Blow your nose, your horn works fine.

My karma ran over my dogma.

I tried being normal once. . .I didn't like it.

I'm not really a driver I just play one on TV.

Life may suck, but it beats the alternative.

Minds are like parachutes--they only function when open.

Why did God give beauty queens one more brain cell than horses? So they
wouldn't shit on stage.

Horn Broken...Watch For Finger.

Everything Is Somewhere.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure...

I love cats.....they taste just like chicken.

I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING.

CAUTION I BRAKE FOR HOOKERS.

If it isn't broken...fix it until it is!

Keep America clean...swallow your beer cans.

I was an atheist until I realized I was GOD.

Smile.........show off your teeth.

Clean up America. Shoot a redneck!

I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that
far up my ass.

House guarded by a shotgun 3 nights a week. You guess which?

I left the womb for this

I can go from zero to bitch in 2.2 seconds.

The more I learn, the less I understand.

I'm not littering.... I'm donating to the earth.

If you can read this, I am parked.

I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade.

All generalizations are false.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep!!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist

Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Horn Broke. Watch For Finger.

I'm objective; I object to everything.

If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

Life is a terminal disease.

Conserve water - Shower with a friend

Nothing is illegal until you get caught.

Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.

Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.

English is hard Indeed

And you wonder why people have trouble learning English.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger.

There is neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins aren’t from England nor French fries from France.

Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly.

Boxing rings are square.

A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

Writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham.

The plural of tooth is teeth, but the plural of booth is not beeth.

The plural of goose is geese, but the plural of moose is not meese.

You can make amends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers teach and preachers preach, why does a teacher taught, but no preacher ever praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

People recite at plays and play at recitals.

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.

How can we have noses that run and feet that smell?

Why is a slim chance and a fat chance the same thing?

A wise man is the opposite of a wise guy.

Your house burns up as it burns down.

You fill in a form by filling it out.

An alarm goes off when it's on.

Why doesn’t Buick rhyme with quick?

World's easiest quiz

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?

116 years

2. Which country produces Panama hats?

Ecuador

3. Which animal provides us with catgut?

Sheep and Horses

4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

November

5. What is used to make a camel’s hair brush?

Squirrel fur

6. What animal are the Canary Islands named after?

Dogs

7. What was the first name of King George VI?

Albert

8. What color is a purple finch?

Crimson

9. Where do Chinese gooseberries come from?

New Zealand

10. What is the color is a commercial airplane’s black box?

Orange

Don't dos at a Funeral

1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.

2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.

5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.

8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.

9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.

10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.

11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

13. Leave some phoney dog poop on top of the deceased.

14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.

15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.

16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.

20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.

21. Put crazy-glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.

22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.

24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.

25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS!
MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.

26. At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.

28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.

30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

Computer Humor

Relationships

A doctor, a lawyer and a programmer were discussing if it’s better to have a wife or a girlfriend.

Lawyer:
“A girlfriend is better. If you divorce your wife, that’s causing a lot of problems.”

Doctor:
“A wife is better. That’s secure so you don’t have to worry so much.”

Programmer:
“You need both. When the wife thinks you’re with your girlfriend and your girlfriend thinks you’re with your wife - then no one disturbs you while programming.”




Three Solutions

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

“I know,” said the Branch Manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.”

“No, no,” said the Hardware Engineer, “That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.”

“Well,” said the Software Engineer, “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”




How Many Programmers?

How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, that’s a hardware problem!





Programmer and The Frog

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do anything you want.” Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The programmer said, “Look, I’m a programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend — but a talking frog, now that’s cool!”




The Internet

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was “GoofyMickeyMinniePluto” and so I asked why it was so long.

“Because,” my son explained, “they said it had to have at least four characters.”

Plz take care of address

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long
weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both
had jobs,they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was
decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife
would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel.
There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back
in Minneapolis.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and
sent the e-mail without realizing his error. In Houston, a widow had
just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a
minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a
heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from
relatives and friends.

Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed
into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer
screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

From: Your Departed Husband

Subject: I've Arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything
has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to
seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Clever Business Signs

At an Optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Plumber's Shop:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a Plumbing Company:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call us."

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Another Pizza shop slogan:
"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and put you out."

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"We'll be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At a New Orleans waste disposal company:
"Our business is picking up, but it still stinks."

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be de-Lighted."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Please drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."

*****

Classy Insults

When Insults Had Class

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”

–Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”

–Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”

–William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"

—Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”

–Groucho Marx

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

–Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”

–Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one.”

–George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.”

–Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”

–Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”

–John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”

–Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”

–Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”

–Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.”

–Walter Kerr

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

–Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”

–Mae West

“Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!”

–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

“Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!”

–Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

—Moses Hadas

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."

—Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."

—Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."

—Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."

—James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

—Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

—Forrest Tucker

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I know."

—Abraham Lincoln

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

—Mae West

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts — for support rather than illumination."

—Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

—Billy Wilder

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”

–Oscar Wilde

"You, Mr. Wilkes, will die either of the pox or on the gallows."

–The Earl of Sandwich

"That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles."

–John Wilkes's response to The Earl of Sandwich

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."

—Winston Churchill

A daughter's Letter

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for the thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up-to-date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not going to read any further unless you are sitting down. Okay?

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital, and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches one a day.

Fortunately, an attendant at the gas station near the dorm witnessed the fire in the dormitory and my jump, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It’s really a basement room, but it’s kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married.

We haven’t set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection that prevents us from passing the pre-marital blood test and I carelessly caught it from him. This will clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily. I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious.

Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat different from ours. I am sure that you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important engineer for the sanitation department he works for. Although they say he runs his office from his truck.

Now that I have brought you up-to-date, folks, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have a venereal disease, and there is no boy in my life.

However, I am getting a “D” in history and an “F” in science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Beer Better than a women--100 Reasons

1. You can enjoy a BEER all month.
2. BEER stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a BEER.
4. Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When BEER goes flat you toss it out.
6. BEER is never late.
7. HANGOVERS go away.
8. A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER.
9. BEER labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a BEER.
11. BEER never has a headache.
12. After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A BEER won't get upset if you come home with BEER on your breath.
14. If you pour a BEER right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty.
16. A BEER ALWAYS goes down easy.
17. You can share a BEER with your friends.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER.
19. A BEER is always wet.
20. BEER doesn't demand equality.
21. A BEER doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a BEER in public.
23. A frigid BEER is a good BEER.
24. You don't have to wash a BEER before it tastes good.
25. BEER always comes in multiples of six.
26. BEER doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a BEER.
28. After you have a BEER, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the
empty bottle.
29. A BEER never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your BEER is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find BEER labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. BEER looks the same in the morning.
33. BEER doesn't look you up in a month.
34. BEER doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. BEER doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. BEER doesn't get cramps.
37. BEER doesn't have a mother.
38. BEER doesn't have morals.
39. BEER doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. BEER always listens and never argues.
41. BEER labels don't go out of style every year.
42. BEER doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. BEER doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. BEER doesn't demand legality.
45. BEER is never overweight.
46. If you change BEERs, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. BEER won't run off with your credit cards.
48. BEER doesn't have a lawyer.
49. BEER doesn't need much closet space.
50. BEER can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. BEER doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. BEER doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. BEER never changes its mind.
54. BEER doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. BEER never asks you to change the station.
56. BEER doesn't make you go shopping.
57. BEER doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. BEER doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
59. BEER is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat BEERs are nice to have.
61. BEER doesn't pout or play games.
62. BEER NEVER says no.
63. BEER is easy to get into.
64. BEER never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. BEER doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other BEERs.
66. BEER doesn't wear a bra.
67. BEER doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. BEER doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. BEER doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. BEER doesn't live with its mother.
71. BEER doesn't blow you off.
72. BEER doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. BEER doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
74. BEER doesn't mind football season.
75. A BEER won't make you go to church.
76. A BEER is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
77. A BEER doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A BEER doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. A BEER doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other BEERs around.
80. A BEER will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials wit babies are
"cute".
81. If a BEER leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A BEER will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of
"doberperson".
83. A BEER won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on
your favorite radio station.
84. A BEER won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85. A BEER won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a BEER, it won't think
you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
87. A BEER won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A BEER won't smoke in your car.
89. A BEER won't argue that there's no difference between
shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and
blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
90. A BEER will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A BEER will actually *support* belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for
getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic Games in
Barcelona.
92. A BEER is always ready to leave on time.
93. A BEER never fishes for compliments.
94. Some BEERs (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. BEER tastes *good*.
96. If you take a BEER outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the
BEER won't accuse you of "date rape".
97. A BEER won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes'
Greatest Hits" on your VCR.
98. An ice-cold BEER will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A BEER won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery
store.
100. A BEER won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just for
the articles". (You *are* lying, but the BEER won't accuse you of it.)

Bumper Stickers

Actual(?) Bumper Stickers

100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?

186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law!

A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, You Know, Night

A Mouse Is An Elephant Built By The Japanese

A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind

Air Pollution Is A Mist-Demeaner

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

All Men Are Idiots... And I Married Their King.

Always Remember: You’re Unique, Just Like Everyone Else.

Anything Free Is Worth What You Pay For It

As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.

Atheism Is A Non-Prophet Organization

Ax Me About Ebonics

Back Up My Hard Drive? How Do I Put It In Reverse?

Be Nice To Your Kids; They’ll Pick Out Your Nursing Home.

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beer Holder.

Beer: It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore.

Beer: The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

Boldly Going Nowhere

But I Just Can’t Get My Head That Far Up My Ass

Cat: The Other White Meat

Caution -- Driver Legally Blonde

Change Is Inevitable, Except From A Vending Machine

Chemistry Professors Never Die, They Just Smell That Way!

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

Clones Are People, Two

Cole’s Law: Thinly Sliced Cabbage

Consciousness: That Annoying Time Between Naps.

Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.

Could You Drive Any Better If I Shoved That Cell Phone Up Your Ass?

Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

Despite The Cost Of Living, Have You Noticed How It Remains So Popular?

Diplomacy Is Saying “Nice Doggy” Until You Find A Rock

Does The Name Pavlov Ring A Bell?

Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That

Don’t Drink And Drive...You Might Hit A Bump And Spill Your Drink.

Don’t Piss Me Off! I’m Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies.

Don’t Take Life Too Seriously; You Won’t Get Out Alive

Dyslexics Untie!

Dyslexics Have More Fnu.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.

Earth Is The Insane Asylum For The Universe

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Editing Is A Rewording Activity

Elvis Is Dead And I’m Not Feeling Too Good Myself

Energizer Bunny Arrested; Charged With Battery

Entropy Isn’t What It Used To Be

Eschew Obfuscation

Ever Stop To Think And Forget To Start Again?

Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Don’t Have Film.

Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion

F U Cn Rd Ths U Cnt Spl Wrth A Dm!

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

Forget World Peace. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

Friends Help You Move. Real Friends Help You Move Bodies.

Give Me Ambiguity Or Give Me Something Else

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

God Must Love Stupid People, He Made So Many

Graduate Soon! Millions On Welfare Depend On You

Grow Your Own Dope, Plant A Man

Guys: No Shirt, No Service -- Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

Hard Work Has A Future Payoff. Laziness Pays Off Now.

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

He’s Not Dead, He’s Electroencephalographically-Challenged

Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

Help Stamp Out And Eradicate Superfluous Redundancy

Honk If Anything Falls Off

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet

Honk If You Want To See My Finger

Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.

House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

I don't have a license to kill, I have a learner's permit.

I Don’t Have To Be Dead To Donate My Organ

I Don’t Suffer From Insanity, I Enjoy Every Minute Of It

I Drive Like This To Piss You Off

I Feel Like I’m Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe

I Get Enough Exercise Just Pushin’ My Luck

I Got A Gun For My Wife; Best Trade I Ever Made.

I Have The Body Of A God ...Buddha

I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Was Unfamiliar Territory

I Know What You’re Thinking And You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself.

I Must Be A Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes

I Need Someone Really Bad. Are You Really Bad?

I Think Feminists Are Cute!

I Took An IQ Test And The Results Were Negative.

I Used To Be Indecisive. Now I’m Not Sure

I Used To Have A Handle On Life, But It Broke.

I Want To Die In My Sleep Like My Grandfather, Not Screaming And Yelling Like His Passengers

I Wonder How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend On Me

I’m Just Driving This Way To Piss You Off.

I’m Not A Complete Idiot; Some Parts Are Missing.

I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed -– What More Do You Want?

If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

If It Ain’t Broken... Fix It Till It Is

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

If We All Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You!

If You Can Read This, Then You’re In Range

If You Drink, Don't Park; Accidents Cause People.

If You Think I’m A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother

Illiterate? Write For Free Help

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings."

IRS: We’ve Got What It Takes To Take What You’ve Got.

It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

It Is As Bad As You Think, And They Are Out To Get You.

It’s Lonely At The Top, But You Eat Better.

Jesus Is Coming! Look Busy!

Jesus Saves… He Passes It To Gretzky… He Shoots… He Scores!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Maybe Jesus Loves You, But Everyone Else Thinks You’re An Asshole

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

My Kid Had Sex With Your Honor Student

My Reality Check Just Bounced

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.

No Sense Being Pessimistic. It Wouldn’t Work Anyway

Nothing Is Foolproof To A Sufficiently-Talented Fool

On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers

Out Of My Mind; Back In Five Minutes

Pardon My Driving. I’m Reloading

Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.

Rap Is To Music What Etch-A-Sketch Is To Art

Reality Is A Crutch For People Who Can’t Handle Drugs.

Remember: Stop Lights Timed For 35 MPH Are Also Timed For 70 MPH.

Remember My Name -– You’ll Be Screaming It Later

Santa’s Elves Are Just A Bunch Of Subordinate Clauses

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set

Save Your Breath -– You’ll Need It To Blow Up Your Date!

Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!

Seen It All, Done It All, Can’t Remember Most Of It

She’s Always Late. Her Ancestors Arrived On The June Flower

Smile. It’s The Second Best Thing You Can Do With Your Lips.

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Some People Are Alive Only Because It’s Illegal To Kill Them

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

The More You Complain, The Longer God Makes You Live.

The Sex Was So Good That Even The Neighbors Had A Cigarette.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

Those Who Live By The Sword Get Shot By Those Who Don’t

To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

Very Funny, Scotty. Now Beam Up My Clothes.

Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.

We Are Born Naked, Wet, And Hungry... Then Things Get Worse.

Welcome To Shit Creek -– Sorry, We’re Out Of Paddles

What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions?

When The Chips Are Down, The Buffalo Is Empty

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

Where There’s A Will, I’m In The Way.

Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

You Are Depriving Some Village Of Its Idiot

You Have The Right To Remain Silent. Anything You Say Will Be Misquoted And Used Against You

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Only Speak To Me

Your Child May Be An Honor Student, But You’re Still An Asshole

From the Pen of 6th Graders

The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

9. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

10. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

11. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

12. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

13. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

14. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

15. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits.

16. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

Being a GUY

Cool Things

1. A beer gut doesn't make us invisible to the opposite sex.
2. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
3. All movie nudity is female.
4. Bachelor parties kick bridal showers' ass.
5. Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
6. Baywatch!
7. Belches are tolerated.
8. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
9. Chocolate is merely another snack.
10. Christmas shopping for 25 relatives can be easily accomplished on December 24th in 45 spare minutes.
11. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob us blind.
12. ESPN's SportsCenter.
13. Every orgasm is real.
14. Everything on our face stays its original color.
15. Flowers and/or duct tape can fix everything.
16. Foreplay is optional.
17. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
18. Guys in hockey masks never attack us.
19. Hot wax never comes near our pubic area.
20. If someone forgets to invite us to something, he can still be our friend.
21. If something mechanical doesn't work, we can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
22. If we don't call our buddy when we say we will, he won't tell our other friends we've changed.
23. If we retain water, it's in a canteen.
24. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
25. Michael Bolton doesn't live in our universe.
26. Monday Night Football.
27. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle our feet.
28. No coworker has the power to make us cry.
29. Nobody secretly wonders whether we swallow.
30. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when we enter the room.
31. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
32. Old friends don't give a damn whether we've gained or lost weight.
33. One mood, all the time
34. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. Our ass is never a factor in job interviews.
36. Our belly usually hides our fat ass.
37. Our last name stays put.
38. Our pals will never trap us with, "So? Notice anything different?"
39. People never glance at our chest when we're talking to them.
40. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
41. Porn movies are designed especially for us.
42. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
43. Same work...more pay!
44. Sex never makes us worry about our reputation.
45. Someday we'll be dirty old men.
46. The garage is all ours.
47. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
48. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
49. The remote control is ours and ours alone.
50. The same hairstyle lasts for years.
51. The world is our urinal.
52. There's always a game on somewhere.
53. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
54. Toilet cleaning is optional.
55. Two guys who show up at a party wearing the same outfit may end up lifelong buddies.
56. Underwear is $6.95 a three-pack.
57. We almost never have strap problems in public.
58. We are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
59. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
60. We can "do" our nails with a pocketknife.
61. We can admire Clint Eastwood without starving ourselves to look like him.
62. We can be President.
63. We can be showered and ready to go in ten minutes.
64. We can buy condoms without shopkeepers imagining us naked.
65. We can drop by to see a friend without bringing a gift.
66. We can eat a banana in a hardware store.
67. We can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
68. We can go to the bathroom without a support group.
69. We can kill our own food.
70. We can leave a hotel bed unmade.
71. We can open our own jars.
72. We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
73. We can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me!"
74. We can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "Aw, screw it!"
75. We can say anything without worrying about what people will think.
76. We can scratch wherever and whenever it itches.
77. We can sit with our knees apart no matter what we're wearing.
78. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
79. We can whip off our shirts on a hot day.
80. We can write our name in the snow.
81. We don't care if someone talks about us behind our backs.
82. We don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices our new haircut or not.
83. We don't have to clean up just because the maid is coming.
84. We don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night.
85. We don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
86. We don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with us everywhere we go.
87. We don't have to monitor our friends' sex lives.
88. We don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
89. We don't have to shave below the neck.
90. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
91. We don't mooch others' desserts.
92. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
93. We get to jump up and slap stuff.
94. We get to think about sex 90% of our waking hours.
95. We have a normal and healthy relationship with our mothers.
96. We have freedom of choice concerning mustache growth.
97. We know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
98. We know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes.
99. We needn't pretend we're "freshening up" just to go to the bathroom.
100. We never have to clean a toilet.
101. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's "just too icky."
102. We never have to worry about other people's feelings.
103. We never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean our lover's about to leave us.
104. We never miss a sexual opportunity because we're "not in the mood."
105. We never say, "If you don't know what's wrong, I'm not going to tell you!"
106. We never try to stop a pal from getting laid.
107. We see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
108. We think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
109. We understand why Stripes is funny.
110. Wedding dress: $2,500. Tuxedo rental: $100.
111. Weddings plan themselves.
112. When changing channels, we don't stall out every time we see someone crying.
113. When our work is criticized, we don't panic that everyone secretly hates us.
114. With 400 million sperm per shot, we could theoretically double the Earth's population in 15 tries.
115. Wrinkles add character.

And a Few Not so Cool

1. You have to take out the garbage.
2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $260,000.
3. No sofas in your restrooms.
4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
6. James Bond movies only come out every two years.
7. "Ribbed" for her pleasure-not yours.
8. You have to wear ties.
9. No way in hell can you flirt your way out of a traffic ticket.
10. "Women and children first."

Age of Inncocence

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

"How did that happen?," gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A 3-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say: "There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer, or that's Michael; he's a doctor."

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For weeks, a 6-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The 6-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy,
whatever became of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5 and 6 year-olds. After explaining the commandment "Honor thy Father and thy mother," she asked,

"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Office Inspirations

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing everyone who opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong fourteen times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Plagiarism saves time.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The layoffs will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Hang in there. Retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.

Modern ----Religious Definitions

A Comparison Of Late 20th Century Religious Theory

Capitalism

He who dies with the most toys wins.



Hare Krishna

He who plays with the most toys wins.



Catholicism

He who denies himself the most toys wins.



Anglican

They were our toys first.



Greek Orthodox

No, they were OURS first.



Polytheism

There are many toy makers.



Evolutionism

The toys made themselves.



Baptist

Once played, always played.



Church of Christ Scientist

We are the toys.



Communism

Everyone gets the same number of toys and you go straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.



Baha’i

All toys are just fine with us.



Amish

Toys with batteries are surely a sin.



Taoism

The doll is as important as the dump truck.



Hedonism

To heck with the rulebook. Let’s play!



Hinduism

He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals loses.



7th Day Adventist

He who plays with his toys on Saturday loses.



Church of Christ

He whose toys make music loses.



Calvinist

Once played, always played.



Jehovah’s Witnesses

He who sells the most toys door-to-door wins.



Pentecostalism

He whose toys can talk wins.



Existentialism

Toys are a figment of your imagination.



Confucianism

Once a toy is dipped in the water it is no longer dry.



Non-denominationalism

We don’t care where the toys came from, let’s just play with them.



Atheism

There is no toy maker.



Agnosticism

It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.



Branch Davidians

He who dies playing with the biggest toys wins.



Mormonism

Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.



Voodoo

Let me borrow that doll for a second.



Apathy

Toys? Why do I need toys?



Judaism

I’m selling toys. You buying?



Church of Scientology

Toys ‘R’ Us.

Jai Jai Garvi Gujarat

1. Gujarat is one of the most prosperous states of the country, having a per-capita GDP 3.2 times India's average.
2. If it was a nation it would have been 67th richest nation in the world above many European and Asian economies like China and Ukraine .
3. Gujarat holds many records in India for economic development:
* 20% of India's Industrial Output
* 9% of India's Mineral Production
* 22% of India's exports
* 24% of India's textile production
* 35% of India's pharmaceutical products
* 51% of India's petrochemical production
4. The world's largest ship breaking yard is in Gujarat near Bhavnagar at Alang.
5. Reliance Petroleum Limited, one of the group companies of Reliance Industries Limited founded by Dhirubhai Ambani operates the oil refinery at Jamnagar which is the world's largest grass roots refineries .
6. Gujarat ranks first nationwide in gas-based thermal electricity generation with national market share of over 8% and second nationwide in nuclear electricity generation with national market share of over 1%.

1. Over 20% of the S&P CNX 500 conglomerates have corporate offices in Gujarat.

2. Over 35% of the stock market wealth of India is with Gujarati People.

3. Over 60% of Indian Population in North America is Gujarati.

4. An average income of a Gujarati family in North America is three times more than the average income of an American family.

5. Gujarat is having the longest sea shore compared to any other Indian state

6. Gujarat is having the highest no. of operating airports in India (Total 12).

7. India 's 16% of Investment are from Gujarat ..

8. Gujarat is having highest no. of vegetarian people compared to any other state in India.

9. The first ALL VEG PIZZA-HUT was opened in Ahmedabad

10. Ahmedabad - the commercial capital of Gujarat is the seventh largest city in India.

11. Surat is the fastest growing city in the world.

12. Gandhinagar is the Greenest Capital City in whole Asia .

13. Indian Institute of Management, Ahmedabad(IIMA) is Asia's 1 st and world's 45 th ranked management college located in Ahmedabad, Gujarat

14. Gujarat is the safest state as the Crime rate of it is 8.2 which is the least in India even after considering 2002 communal riots, stated by India Today 2005 report.

15. Gujarat is having least crime against women among all Indian states (excluding Goa) where AP is 1 st , Delhi is 2 nd , Bihar is 3 rd ,Zarakhand is 4 th and UP is 5 th .

16. Ahmedabad which is the seventh largest city in India is the lowest in crime rate among all Tier-I and Tier-II cities of India as per National Crime Records Bureau (NCRB) report.

17. Ahmedabad is ranked 2nd in Real Estate - Ahead of Bangalore ,Chennai, Hyderabad , Mumbai & Delhi. 3rd in Policy Initiatives - Ahead of Bongolore, Chennai, Calcutta , Mumbai & Delhi. 4th in Manpower - Ahead of Bangalore ,Chennai, Mumbai & Delhi.

Can U answer my doubts???

1.If all the nations in the world are in debt(am not joking. even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (weird)

2.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be give a thought)

3.What is the speed of darkness? (absurd)

4.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking)

5.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)

6.Can you cry under water? (let me try)

7.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? (i think they meant something else)

8.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows)

9.Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)

10.Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes)

12.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight i will stay and watch)

13.What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed)

14.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)

15.What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments)

16.If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (can somebody help )

17.Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)

18.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isnt it)

19.If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be ! able to hear it? (got to think scientifically)

20.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? (i dont have a change to try)

21.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice)

22.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (this is nice)

23.Wh! y do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law)

Haah Creted my First blog atlast.

Enough time wasted in thinking (haven't u seen the new CBZ ad.) whether to create a blog or not then I did what I always do in doubt(I do it). So here I am with my first blog to brain hammer u all.

Feel free to give compliments(in the form of comments). Otherwise keep your bloody mouth shut.


Statutory Warning :-) Just like all other blogs, this blog is not gonna help you in anyway. I am gonna write all bull-shit, all weird things that come across my mind. Expecting some "gyaan" here will be a serious waste of time.